I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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