I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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