nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
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I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
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And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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