I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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