The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!