I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.