omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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