No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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