I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
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Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
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Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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