He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
