Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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