Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
