mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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