oh god the rape fog is back!
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
