I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?