Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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