all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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