If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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