I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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