i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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