I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
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Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
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normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.