If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.