He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
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True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard