Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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