Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize