That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
