She even gives head with a lisp.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
