I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
