not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
