i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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