i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
