i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?