I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?