I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?