matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
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Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN