chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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