Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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