I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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