This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
