between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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