i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
