I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my sisters under your porch take her home
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
