masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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