Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...