im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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