No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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