i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
