I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
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Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
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I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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