Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet