He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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