this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
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You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
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We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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