I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
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My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
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Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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