Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
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You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
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I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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