4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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