So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
